Some days the pain is too much to bare. Those days where nothing you do throughout the day makes you forget about the pain or eases it. On those days, I lay on the floor in an attempt to relieve at least my back and neck, and let the tears roll down my cheeks. Those days make me mad. Like really mad…PISSED. Then I do something really productive and get mad that I’m mad.
I do everything in my power to control my health which I know with 3 autoimmune diseases (fun fact, there’s a fourth making it’s way in), is an oxymoron in itself. These diseases are uncontrollable. They attack. They do what they want, when they want. Kinda like me so I get their vibe. When I have these days, I feel helpless which is a feeling I absolutely HATE. I like to think I’m not afraid of anything, but in actuality I am. Loosing my independence is my greatest fear. Getting to a point one day where i can’t walk on my own or get dressed on my own terrifies me. That’s why I hate asking for help; it implies that I can’t do it on my own. I take care of myself. Always have and always will so I’ve learned and employed lots of tactics to make my not so great days easier on myself which is so very smart of me I know but some days, I don’t want to do any of that. I don’t want to use these tactics, I don’t want to talk about it, I don’t want to try and be positive. All I want to do is hit something and scream.
On those days, it’s time to unmask myself. What I’m learning through this flare up is that it’s actually important to have these days. I have a passion for life that I can’t quite put into words. I love life. I love living. I love having new experiences everyday. I love challenging myself and pushing myself to my limits. I love being in nature. I love laughing. When going through my bad days, I get mad at myself for loosing my joy because there’s nothing I can do about it and I always aim to find ways to get through the uncomfortable moments. But if we don’t allow ourselves to feel all of our emotions, good, bad, and ugly, then they manifest in other ways. You might find yourself trying to open a bag of lettuce for dinner and start to cry. What? Is that just me? Opening the bag wasn’t THAT painful, it was just the straw that broke this very tired camel’s back. Like damn…even this hurts???
Instead of trying so hard to control every little aspect of my life, I will try to navigate each day with ease and understanding for myself. Too tired to talk? That’s ok, my thoughts are very entertaining in themselves, no need to voice them. Want to go outside but the sun will for sure take me down? That’s ok, I love sitting on my window sil and can see the ocean from there. Feel like I have the flu, was hit by a truck, and hungover at the same time? Well, good thing I have a comfy bed because it looks like I’m about to spend the whole day in it. Things might suck but they won’t suck everyday. Instead of forcing myself to act like everything’s ok, I will take better care of myself and my body. There’s a difference between surrendering and accepting. I need to be better at accepting that some days I can run but on some days I can’t get out of bed. What I will never do is surrender to any of my diseases and let them control my entire life, all day, everyday. Just do what I can, when I can, and have so much fun doing it.
I think no matter what your circumstance might be, we could all do a better job of taking care of ourselves. If you’re reading this, I want you to do one thing everyday that brings you pure joy. No matter what you having going on. Make it a priority. Make yourself a priority. You are all you have. You have to take care of your physical and mental well being before you can do anything worthwhile in life. At the end of it all, if you did not enjoy your journey, what was the point of it all?